Tell me that story again Mommy…

Daddy lift me high above your head till I can’t giggle anymore…

Surround me with that irreplaceable feeling I adore…

Baby brother follow me around…

Speak to me in our language of sound…

Buy me a present that will be my world…

Perfect my pigtails with ribbons and curls…

Hold my hand and comfort my head…

Make me grilled cheese on quartered bread…

Oh how I miss being a little girl…

Carefree and sacred as an oyster’s only pearl…

Bring back that safety and protection of home…

Because in this adult world, a lost child I roam…

Jyl Phillips.

of medical camp.

Learning among a company of good people is unbelievably fun. I have almost forgotten how it felt after these kinds of activities became absence in my life while I engrossed myself in pressure of trying to pass every exam which is fueled more by coercion than passion. After been through a really tough year last two semesters, I really needed an injection of energy and I found it last Saturday.

When a friend of mine asked me to join a charity program in Baling last week, I was very reluctant to say yes. With no friend except him I was not sure I can survive the 6-day program unscathed. However, after a great persuasion by him, at last I agreed to join the other 34 medical students on the 4th day. The experience was so amazing and surely it was an opportunity not to be missed by everyone. I certainly welcomed the courage I had put in to brave myself to join this program.

On the 4th day of the program, they were conducting a free and some mobile clinics at one of the mosque in Baling (I kinda forgot the name of the kampong). Besides a free medical/dental check up, medicine and consultation from general practitioners, specialists, dentists and pharmacists, there were also blood donation campaign and free pap smear test.

As I was not really a participant of this program, I did not really have a major role at the free clinic and most of the time I went to Sara to learn something. Sara is an Irish who had volunteered to join the program too. She is a final year medical student in one of the university in Ireland but she knows almost everything like a real doctor. Besides she was so friendly and kind to me. She taught me so many things. For every patient that came to her to be examined, she will explain every single thing to me as if I was her student and she was my lecturer. She taught me how to diagnose the patient and let me perform the physical examination under her guidance.

There was a woman who came with red spots all over her extremities. I was about to ask Sara what rash was this and suddenly she said “look at the hemosiderin”. OK, the rash was hemosiderin and somehow I thought I was familiar with the word ‘hemosiderin’ but what on earth are the diseases that are associated with hemosiderin? I have no idea. Thus, patiently she explained everything to me from a to z.

After that I was busy calling the patient to see their doctors (which was my original duty) but suddenly Sara called me and handed me her stethoscope, insisting me on listening to an old lady’s heart. As I didn’t really remember the exact location where to listen to the heart’s sound, again without complaining anything, she taught me the locations. She even gave me an acronym on how to easily remember the locations of the 4 valves. OK, the reason why she called me was because she wanted me to listen to a murmur. The lady has been diagnosed bicuspid AV. So, the murmur can be easily heard and I swore it’s very loud.

Late in the morning, there was a woman who came just for a general medical check-up. She said she was healthy. Suddenly Sara asked me whether there was any difference in both arms and I realized the right arm was a bit swollen and then she asked me to press the edema and I thought she was going to ask me whether it was pitting or non-pitting but instead she asked me whether it’s due to vascular problem or lymph problem? Huh?! After that, she explained that the swollen arm was due to the accumulation of the lymph. The lady had a breast cancer which had metastasize to her lymph node and the doctors had removed the lymph nodes which had cause the accumulation of the lymph in the arm. I looked at the anamnesis paper (which was taken by someone else in previous station) and yes there’s a history of breast cancer. And obviously Sara asked nothing about the breast cancer or the lymph node to the patient because she couldn’t speak Malay.

What an experience!  There are a lot more to tell but I couldn’t write everything in here otherwise  it will end up being the longest post I ever write. I am really glad to have had the opportunity to be part of the medical camp. Thanks for inviting me and the never ending persuasion. After all, this is the thing I need the most.

After entering the university, my confidence markedly subsided as I lost the environment that nurtured me to fight for my dream. I only started to realize how low I felt one day in my room doing mediocre assignments that did not inspire me. Whether there should be an improvement from the university to make the assignment more interesting or not in order to make sure they will produce good young doctors later on, that is far less important because that would be entirely up to us, the student. Whether we like it or not, we are the one who determine our own path whether we want to become a good doctor or just a mere doctor who graduates from medical school but know nothing more than a layman.

In humble opinion, passing an exam is easy.

Yeah, call me snobbish or whatever.

But I think deep in you, you do agree with that statement too even though how ridiculous it may sound at first. Just do the pass year questions and understand the patterns and insyallah, you will pass it.

The hardest thing is whether by passing all the exams and was named to the dean’s list had ensure you of becoming a good doctor in the future as well?

I doubt that.

After witnessing a third year medical student came up with a diagnosis of sciatic nerve palsy yesterday, I think I really need to work harder after this.

of jotting life.

It’s a holiday. Thus I don’t really have any mood to write anything. Thus, here I am scribbling something, junk mostly just to update the blog.

pride and honesty and desperation were waging a war inside of her, and her conscience was being assaulted in the fray.

1. Above quote explains everything. Taken from “a kingdom of dreams” by Judith McNaught, the book i’m reading at the moment. The book which i should have finished it 2 days ago but still having some problem with concentration and passion which had interfere my comprehension. Perhaps i should stop reading novels.

2. Your action speaks louder than word. In fact louder than a bullet from a gun, if only the bullet is the only one who is producing the sound not the gun.

3. to toothless grin and baby toys, i miss you. Get well soon and we’ll have fun with the chuggers again.

4. there’s cut everywhere. perhaps someone should just give up, let the wound heal and protect it for which further injuries may lead to scarring and permanent damages.

5. been waiting for hafiz to write about the subsidy issue and he wrote one at last. a very sarcastic piece i may say but brilliant especially the way he delivered it. i can sense the bias but for someone who read economy your arguments are not a moot point.

6. holiday provides me with nothing but plenty of time for which i’d been spending it by hopping from blog to blog trying to capture the mind of the writers. I could see there are so many differences in mentalities among different cultures and geographical areas despite the slogan 1malaysia.

7. found one inspiring story here while bloghopping. may he keep on fighting and never despise.

8. sick of people talking politics. it’s everywhere – tv, newspaper, blogs and even facebook. urgh! but who am I to complain it’s a free country anyway.

9. twenty three was hardly ancient but i felt old.

10. a smile came slowly, dawning in the eyes then drifting to the mouth as i read the mail few minutes ago. welcome home, pal🙂

Just a wrap-up.

At long last, the day arrived. It was the end to the boring lectures, laboratory activities and mannequins. I am approaching my clinical years in which I’ll be spending my time at the hospital learning from the real patients. To come to think of it, if you ask me about this few decades ago, I never thought that would be possible because hospital has always been my least favorite place on earth as it’s the scariest and dirtiest.

Besides, I never dream of becoming a doctor. I fear I don’t have any ability or whatever it takes to become a healer. Healers are life saving noble folks whom people depend on so much. They heal people. They take away the suffering. For me, anyone can be a mere doctor but not everyone will become a healer as I do believe that there’s a significant distinction between a healer and a mere doctor.

This thought had led me to low self confidence.

Every time when there is an examination, I fear that the result may bring me farther down while I thought I was already at the bottom but recently an episode of Grey’s Anatomy had taught me that whatever happens, walk tall because no one knows how short you are except yourself. I try hard to take heed and gather pieces of myself with little hope but sometimes I still failed. That explains my idiosyncrasy. Some of my friends always chide me for having bipolar disease as me and violent mood swings are two inseparable items. I could be so full of confidence by being a maniac with unbelievable amount of enthusiasm in a few hours and a melancholic hermit feeling suicidal in the next. (Please take note that I don’t mean it literally). I admit that at times, I could feel that all those fear is overwhelming my rationality.

I don’t know how is my life at the hospital starting this mid September gonna be but so far my 4th year as a medical student has been the toughest. I am unsure why but this year has drained me emotionally. Perhaps it’s the thesis or the workload or the personal life or the goal that I had set during my freshman year that has driven me crazy.  I have no idea.

But I have made it this far. Shaken but I made it nonetheless.

I feel like it was just yesterday I rode the slow-freaking bus from Jakarta to Jatinangor with my other jpa mates and now soon enough we’ll be graduating.

Yes. Soon!

Because in Indonesia every medical student will experience two graduations in their bachelor program. The first graduation will mark the end of theoretical years in which after that you’ll be spending your next 2 years life as a medical student at the hospital, meeting real patients, maybe trying to diagnose and treat them in order to gain the experience. I am not sure whether it’s the same like an internship or not. And the second graduation is more like an oath-taking ceremony but I’m not sure too (believe it or not I’ve never been to any of these ceremonies) and I have no idea why they need two graduations either.

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Separated, floating as if I was in the moon is what I have been experiencing lately. For once in my life time, I don’t know what is happening to me, my body, my brain and my surrounding. Everything seems to be so disconnected.

I wondered when was the last time I feel worried or happy or scared?

The answer scares me because I could not remember it at all.

I feel so numb as if I have been dumped into an ice water. None of my nerve is sending any impulse to my brain. I feel nothing except the disquiet of no emotion, the disturbance of knowing I should feel something. I was having bunch of exams for the last few weeks, I should feel nervous, afraid, and worried but unfortunately I was not, at least not like the way I used to feel. For example, for my tropical medicine examination, I just did the past year question which I disgust before this because for me what kind of doctor will I become if I just memorize someone’s answer? No offence, it’s just me. But for this block, I just did the past year because it’s too late to study and I don’t have any mood to study. I just don’t care if the question was going to come out differently. I just want to get it done and I hate myself for these but I have been forcing myself yet I still failed to bring back all the emotion and I don’t know what to do.

I am not syazwan who play PS the night before exam but still pass the paper with flying colours. Yes, I am not genius. I need to study and in order to study I need my emotion back. I am not a robot even though in certain aspect of my life yes I am emotionless but not when it comes to studying. I need to feel the need to study and I need my emotion to do that for me.

The detachment goes even deeper from day to day. Usually when I cry things get better after that but not anymore. I have been crying a lot lately but my drive had not returned. Remember I said that I don’t cry in public but as long as I remember this month I had cried twice in a bus full of people without any concrete reason.

The good things in life were missing in me.

Every laugh is a fake.

Every smile is forced.

I have reached my limit.

OK, it is depression. Or another way of saying it, I’ve got the blues. Yeah, as much as I don’t want to admit it, you don’t have to become a medical student or a doctor to actually diagnose that. I keep on denying this fact. I tried to force myself to be strong but what happen on last Sunday morning had caused me to give up pretending.

After all I always know I am mental.

Hopefully Malaysia is the medicine to what I’ve been suffering.

p/s: The title seems to be little bit out of topic. But if you know me well inside and outside, you will probably understand and could make the correlation. And yeah, it’s eating me and yeah again, I am not gonna admit it, at least here where the post is not password protected.

The 2010 FIFA World Cup South Africa starts tonight with the opening game between South Africa and Mexico. Thousands of people around the world have been waiting for this kick-off.

It is a common knowledge that football has always become the obsession to many people in the world regardless of the gender but the fact that suddenly, the most unlikely people-who normally just describe a ball as a round object- have an opinion about the Mexico’s offside goal makes me wonder about few random things such as why suddenly everyone is a football fan? Is everyone is afraid of turning into an uncool person if he/she knows nothing about world cup even though the truth is he/she does really have no idea about football whatsoever?

OK, this piece is getting a little bit way too sarcastic, no offence. I mean no harm. I am just bored. Suddenly everyone is watching football and I have no idea why. I am wondering what does the real football fan think about this new instant pseudo- expert (is that even a word?) commenting about their favourite game? Do they feel annoyed? Because if someone who doesn’t watch F1 sitting beside me suddenly bitching about F1, I would feel like putting a sock into his/her mouth. Heh!

I don’t watch football. I admit that but I seemed to always know about a few random things especially when it comes to Arsenal and Liverpool because dad is a big fan of the Gunners and Abg Jan is a big fan of The Reds. They always message me and do the football talk with me as if I understand what they are talking about. Haha.

*this piece really sounds like a diary not an article and I don’t like it. Perhaps I have been reading too much of Vampire Diaries lately. Btw, the book is a little bit boring.