Lest thy pride consumes thee.

Separated, floating as if I was in the moon is what I have been experiencing lately. For once in my life time, I don’t know what is happening to me, my body, my brain and my surrounding. Everything seems to be so disconnected.

I wondered when was the last time I feel worried or happy or scared?

The answer scares me because I could not remember it at all.

I feel so numb as if I have been dumped into an ice water. None of my nerve is sending any impulse to my brain. I feel nothing except the disquiet of no emotion, the disturbance of knowing I should feel something. I was having bunch of exams for the last few weeks, I should feel nervous, afraid, and worried but unfortunately I was not, at least not like the way I used to feel. For example, for my tropical medicine examination, I just did the past year question which I disgust before this because for me what kind of doctor will I become if I just memorize someone’s answer? No offence, it’s just me. But for this block, I just did the past year because it’s too late to study and I don’t have any mood to study. I just don’t care if the question was going to come out differently. I just want to get it done and I hate myself for these but I have been forcing myself yet I still failed to bring back all the emotion and I don’t know what to do.

I am not syazwan who play PS the night before exam but still pass the paper with flying colours. Yes, I am not genius. I need to study and in order to study I need my emotion back. I am not a robot even though in certain aspect of my life yes I am emotionless but not when it comes to studying. I need to feel the need to study and I need my emotion to do that for me.

The detachment goes even deeper from day to day. Usually when I cry things get better after that but not anymore. I have been crying a lot lately but my drive had not returned. Remember I said that I don’t cry in public but as long as I remember this month I had cried twice in a bus full of people without any concrete reason.

The good things in life were missing in me.

Every laugh is a fake.

Every smile is forced.

I have reached my limit.

OK, it is depression. Or another way of saying it, I’ve got the blues. Yeah, as much as I don’t want to admit it, you don’t have to become a medical student or a doctor to actually diagnose that. I keep on denying this fact. I tried to force myself to be strong but what happen on last Sunday morning had caused me to give up pretending.

After all I always know I am mental.

Hopefully Malaysia is the medicine to what I’ve been suffering.

p/s: The title seems to be little bit out of topic. But if you know me well inside and outside, you will probably understand and could make the correlation. And yeah, it’s eating me and yeah again, I am not gonna admit it, at least here where the post is not password protected.

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Of i am a crybaby.

I cried when I woke up and realized dad was gone to work and I hadn’t kiss and hug him yet.

I cried every day for months when my sister went to boarding school.

I cried every time my sister was being scold by mom.

I cried when I watch a movie. There was this time when I went to watch this movie for the sake of my brother that I cried and it’s not even a love story. Everybody in the cinema was so amused with the kungfu but I cried and my brother was laughing his ass off at me and swore he wouldn’t ask me out for a movie anymore. Ceh!

I cried watching the movie I am khan because he is autistic yet he has a beautiful soul.

I cried reading Harry Potter and my sister said “what the hell?” to me. Haha~

I cried when I see someone cried because they had lost their love one even though that someone is a stranger to me.

I cried when I read someone post a comment on Tim’s fb.

I cried when the photocopy shop was closed. (only when I’m having my PMS I hope).

I cried when I had not finished my homework when I was small and I still do sometimes here though. The difference is when I was a kid, mom always did my homework especially when it comes to art and dad always did my English homework. I wish they are here to do all my assignments especially my thesis. Heh!

I cried every time mom calls me.

I cried when I burnt my tudung while ironing it because I was so late to catch a flight and dad took another tudung and ironed it for me even though I had to iron it back because it looked like as if it had never been ironed at all. But the fact that my dad was trying hard to iron it for me made me cry.

I cried when I tried to burn all the anger I felt.

I cried because I made a terrible poker face. If I am good at hiding my feeling, your life wouldn’t be so miserable lately and I am so sorry for that. I never meant for you to know any of it. Usually I’m good at suppressing whatever I am feeling and I have no idea how it slipped away. My bad and I think I have lost a friend – to that thought, I cried.

So, I might cry yesterday, today and maybe tomorrow.

I can’t explain that kind of emotion but I love it. I love to cry. Even though after crying, I will sleep like a baby but it’s really helping me to calm down and I will keep on crying no matter what happen. Sometimes, when I was so stressed, I’ll go and watch or read something just to make me cry so that all the tension goes away. Thus, don’t feel guilty for making me cry because that is the only thing I like the most about my self 🙂

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I am so many things right now and miserable is just one of it.

I am too miserable this year. I can’t  breathe even though I keep denying that i”m so miserable. I keep telling myself, everything is just fine. But if everything is just fine why couldn’t I say it out loud?

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of crying has become my second nature.

I’m a person who doesn’t fancy a feeling of weakness and helpless but crying has always become my best friend. Last night, while reading one of my friend’s blog, I cried because his friend had died in a car accident. I don’t even know the existence of this person until yesterday- the day which he said goodbye to the world but my lacrimal gland has never failed to shed tears to this stranger.

But don’t get me wrong. I’m not such a typical crybaby. I may cry for almost every reason on earth but due to some reasons that I don’t feel like sharing here, I wouldn’t cry in public or in front of anybody. Unless you’re my bolster or the spiders in my bathroom, I promise that you would never ever see me cry.

When I was in secondary school, there was this one day when I was busy doing my laundry, a friend of mine, S came and told me that our best friend, F had died in a car accident and without responding to her, I continued with my laundry and ignored her chagrined face. I could tell S was so sad and angry with me because from her point of view I didn’t look sad at all. Did I? Of course I was sad! F was one of our best friend. I’d been to her house for a couple of times and we’d had hundreds of fight, laughter and cry together. How on earth could I not be sad? I just couldn’t cry in front of her. I couldn’t even force myself to ask her what had caused the accident because I knew the moment I open my mouth, the tears that had been building inside of me will erupt onto my cheeks in no time.

Mom always says that I’m the most complicated kid she ever had. I keep everything to my own. Even if I’m sick, I wouldn’t even say a word to anybody but being mom, she has never fail to figure me out and sometimes it’s hard to really hide anything from her regardless how hard I try. She always knows whenever I’m sick or sad or in trouble even nowadays when we’re separated by blue oceans, she always knows. I wish she also realizes the fact that I hate myself so much every time she is sick worrying about me. Maybe for certain people, this is not healthy but as long as it keeps others from worrying about me, I’m all but happy to be this kind of person who breaks down in the darkness but only show the world her smiles. For anybody, especially her to see this vulnerability that exists in me is something that I abhor the most but crying will always be my best friend because it keeps me grounded.

One of my favourite quote:

“The best of your moments is the one wherein you witness the existence of your indigence and, through it, arrive at the existence of your lowliness.”

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I wish killing a cat is not a sin.

I hate cats as I was raised by my family not to go near cat or any furry animal at all as my brother and I had asthma when we were still kids. (even a furry carpet was not allowed in our house in the past).

But few years ago, someone told me about a relationship between our prophet and a cat. Since then, I started to like a cat or at least I started acting kind with a cat but now that I’m living in a house with cats, I have grown to detest cats. The cat is stubborn and doesn’t appear to have any slight discipline known to exist in this world at all. Let me explain;

He is not aggressive but only very annoying, constantly knocking things of shelves especially in the kitchen when he tries to go in or out using the kitchen’s window.Besides, especially during rainy days, the tiles in the kitchen ( not just the floor but the area near the sink and the place where we keep all our plates, spoons and etc too) will be decorated with his beautiful footsteps. Not to mention the mess he did every time he went to any dustbin, hunting for food and the disturbance he brought every time I’m eating.

“It is not that I detest cats but cat owners. They have this view that cats are free spirits and can go where they please. A cat killed one of my Koi carp (it too has a right to live) and I could do nothing, I have no rights. I would vote for anyone that made cat owners responsible for the damage their pets did.”
Alan Bailey, England

“A cat in the house is a pet, a cat roaming streets and gardens is vermin.”
Daryl, UK

– Taken from BBC News Channel –

It really is pathetic. Some people need to accept the fact that their cats and they itself are not the only things living on the planet or in the house. I wouldn’t mind living even with thousand of cats if the owner is responsible enough to clean up all the messes did by her beloved cat such as mopping his footsteps, sweeping the floor when he’s done messing with the rubbish, arrange back all those things on the shelves, washing the carpet after he’s done vomiting and washing every single spoon and plate when he’s done using the kitchen’s window. Until then, I will keep on complaining and it’s not my fault when one day I’ll become so cruel to this type of creature. From toxoplasma gondii to their scratchy little claws, cats really do piss me right off.

p/s= this article is actually my response to these pictures! Those are my rubbish. I tried to clean the rubbish 3 times before I made up my mind to take these pictures and write this post.

for god’s sake, it’s in a house where human beings do live in it!

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it’s just a damn card…

when u didn’t think replying was important;

when there’s no Mr Postman looking for me;

and when my mail box was always empty all the time;

I was really dissappointed…

But,

still, I tried to comfort my ownself,

trying to think that;

maybe…

maybe you didn’t have much time to write,

maybe it’s very expensive to send a letter from there,

thus, trying not to be your burden;

I tried to accept the fact that you must have your own good reason…

few months later,

we talked,

and you stated the reason for not being able to fulfill your promise…

for the first time in my life I second the saying “ignorance is a bliss”

you said that if you ever tried to send me the card,

it wouldn’t reach me…

you sounded so sure even though you had not even try it once.

I’m so dissappointed…

I know it’s just a damn card

but still,

I can’t hide my disappointment anymore…

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absolutely no idea

“You know some hyped-up things are total let-down when you actually get them? Like, you save up for ages to go to an expensive restaurant and the waiters are too snooty and the table is too small and the pudding tastes like Mr. Whippy.”

Quoted from Remember Me

Well, actually I’m not that hyped-up with this outing.

Just to enjoy having every one around…

But, I’m quite waiting for it because we don’t actually have much time and opportunity to hang around together…

That’s not to say the outing was bad.

It was just fine.

We talked about geeky stuff,

stuff that me you would probably never realize people at this era was still into; gossiping about others.

It was like watching a scene of ‘mami jarum’ in front of your eyes

Err. Isn’t ‘Mami Jarum’ about jewelry?

Ok. Just imagine the ‘mami jarum’ scene without all the jewelries..

I hate people who love to gossip. ( but bear in mind, I do love gossip girl, thanks to the presence of the handsome nate archibald.. haha~ )

Why on earth they are so busy body with others life?

I’m so confused with that..

Don’t they have other things that are mutually beneficial to do?

In the end, i had absolutely no idea what the outing was all about…

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b.a.d

I know I’m turning into such a bad girl lately…

I hate being bad…

I wanna be good..

In everything…

Be in what I do or in what I present

Yet,

I’m such a bad girl…

I know what I need in order to prevent all those things from happening

But it never seems to be d rite time for me to get wut I need

I have so much else things to focus on for d time being

And by focusing on those things had made me become such a ****…

It’s a strong word..

But I feel like I’m no different like them

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annoyed!

I’m soo pms these past few days.

So, my writing these past few days may be so emotional. Sorry.

I’m easily irritated and annoyed lately.

It’s all the hormones but I try as best as I could not to annoy people around me.

Just wanna say one thing that I’m not really satisfied.

It’s not due to my pms.

I’ve been feeling annoyed by her since years ago already.

She complained about my playlists.

She said, my playlist would have this and this kind of songs.

I was about to say back to her like this:

“ So what?!!. It’s my own playlist! Not yours! I’m the one who’s listening to it. Furthermore, it goes straight to my eardrum. You can’t even listen what I’m listening right at the moment. So, why are you being so fussy about my own playlist? Sigh~’

Instead, I just keep quiet. I’m not the one who will fight back. In fact, I know her for quite couple of years already. I know she will always act like this. She always feels like she knows everything better. Sigh~ hey, I’m not making this ok. A lot of people agree with me on this! It’s she who still doesn’t realize about this yet.

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hurt~ =(

I already promise to myself, I dun wanna hurt anyone especially all those people that are important in my, the one that have connection with me. I dun wanna hurt my family and friends… I love them so much. I just have plenty of family members and trusted friends. I dun wanna hurt them. But in order not to hurt them, I have to hurt myself. So, who’s gonna take care of me? Nobody… I feel so sad. I put them before my own self but still they dun realize when I’m hurt because of them. I am a trauma survivor, and we trauma survivors often blame ourselves for the pain and abuse inflicted upon us..

In my attempt to protect my self-image as one who would never hurt others intentionally, I reminded myself that we all hurt people inadvertently sometimes, and, pleased with my acceptance of the truth I was content to believe that my behavior, while hurtful at times, was never abusive because it wasn’t intentional. And as long as it wasn’t intentional, there was little I needed to do except try to avoid making the same mistake again. But that acceptance was short-lived, and whatever discomfort I felt at the time paled in comparison to the shock I felt upon my later discovery—that at times I had hurt people intentionally.

I wanted to run, I wanted to hide, I wanted to hurt myself—anything to escape.

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