At long last, the day arrived. It was the end to the boring lectures, laboratory activities and mannequins. I am approaching my clinical years in which I’ll be spending my time at the hospital learning from the real patients. To come to think of it, if you ask me about this few decades ago, I never thought that would be possible because hospital has always been my least favorite place on earth as it’s the scariest and dirtiest.
Besides, I never dream of becoming a doctor. I fear I don’t have any ability or whatever it takes to become a healer. Healers are life saving noble folks whom people depend on so much. They heal people. They take away the suffering. For me, anyone can be a mere doctor but not everyone will become a healer as I do believe that there’s a significant distinction between a healer and a mere doctor.
This thought had led me to low self confidence.
Every time when there is an examination, I fear that the result may bring me farther down while I thought I was already at the bottom but recently an episode of Grey’s Anatomy had taught me that whatever happens, walk tall because no one knows how short you are except yourself. I try hard to take heed and gather pieces of myself with little hope but sometimes I still failed. That explains my idiosyncrasy. Some of my friends always chide me for having bipolar disease as me and violent mood swings are two inseparable items. I could be so full of confidence by being a maniac with unbelievable amount of enthusiasm in a few hours and a melancholic hermit feeling suicidal in the next. (Please take note that I don’t mean it literally). I admit that at times, I could feel that all those fear is overwhelming my rationality.
I don’t know how is my life at the hospital starting this mid September gonna be but so far my 4th year as a medical student has been the toughest. I am unsure why but this year has drained me emotionally. Perhaps it’s the thesis or the workload or the personal life or the goal that I had set during my freshman year that has driven me crazy. I have no idea.
But I have made it this far. Shaken but I made it nonetheless.
I feel like it was just yesterday I rode the slow-freaking bus from Jakarta to Jatinangor with my other jpa mates and now soon enough we’ll be graduating.
Because in Indonesia every medical student will experience two graduations in their bachelor program. The first graduation will mark the end of theoretical years in which after that you’ll be spending your next 2 years life as a medical student at the hospital, meeting real patients, maybe trying to diagnose and treat them in order to gain the experience. I am not sure whether it’s the same like an internship or not. And the second graduation is more like an oath-taking ceremony but I’m not sure too (believe it or not I’ve never been to any of these ceremonies) and I have no idea why they need two graduations either.