I’m a person who doesn’t fancy a feeling of weakness and helpless but crying has always become my best friend. Last night, while reading one of my friend’s blog, I cried because his friend had died in a car accident. I don’t even know the existence of this person until yesterday- the day which he said goodbye to the world but my lacrimal gland has never failed to shed tears to this stranger.
But don’t get me wrong. I’m not such a typical crybaby. I may cry for almost every reason on earth but due to some reasons that I don’t feel like sharing here, I wouldn’t cry in public or in front of anybody. Unless you’re my bolster or the spiders in my bathroom, I promise that you would never ever see me cry.
When I was in secondary school, there was this one day when I was busy doing my laundry, a friend of mine, S came and told me that our best friend, F had died in a car accident and without responding to her, I continued with my laundry and ignored her chagrined face. I could tell S was so sad and angry with me because from her point of view I didn’t look sad at all. Did I? Of course I was sad! F was one of our best friend. I’d been to her house for a couple of times and we’d had hundreds of fight, laughter and cry together. How on earth could I not be sad? I just couldn’t cry in front of her. I couldn’t even force myself to ask her what had caused the accident because I knew the moment I open my mouth, the tears that had been building inside of me will erupt onto my cheeks in no time.
Mom always says that I’m the most complicated kid she ever had. I keep everything to my own. Even if I’m sick, I wouldn’t even say a word to anybody but being mom, she has never fail to figure me out and sometimes it’s hard to really hide anything from her regardless how hard I try. She always knows whenever I’m sick or sad or in trouble even nowadays when we’re separated by blue oceans, she always knows. I wish she also realizes the fact that I hate myself so much every time she is sick worrying about me. Maybe for certain people, this is not healthy but as long as it keeps others from worrying about me, I’m all but happy to be this kind of person who breaks down in the darkness but only show the world her smiles. For anybody, especially her to see this vulnerability that exists in me is something that I abhor the most but crying will always be my best friend because it keeps me grounded.
One of my favourite quote:
“The best of your moments is the one wherein you witness the existence of your indigence and, through it, arrive at the existence of your lowliness.”