Archive for the ‘love’ Category

Of there’s no exception.

Maybe I know, somewhere

Deep in my soul

That love never lasts

And we’ve got to find other ways

To make it alone

Keep a straight face

And I’ve always lived like this

Keeping a comfortable distance

And up until now

I had sworn to myself that I’m

Content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

The only exception – Paramore, 2010.


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A girl and her brother were on their way to a lake to have a picnic.

Girl: Why everybody is asking me to set Birdie free?

Brother: Do you love him?

Girl: Of course I love him. That’s why I don’t want to loose him.

Brother: How much do you love him?

Girl: So much that I would do anything to make him happy.

Brother: Can I ask you something? Do you feel happy every time you’re grounded?

Girl: I’m not allowed to go anywhere but to be at home when I am grounded. So, I guess, no. I am not happy.

Brother: Yeah. The world is too small to be stuck at one place.

Girl : What are you trying to say?

Brother: The same goes to birdie, honey. Even though he is just a bird, he wants to be able to move around too because he is meant to fly.

Girl: But, I had built a very big house for him so that he can still be able to fly around happily. It’s the biggest ever bird house in town. Isn’t that enough?

Brother: Yeah, honey. I had to admit that he has so many extra spaces to fly around but how about friends? You have a very big house for yourself when you’re grounded but you still feel bored. Aren’t you, honey?

Girl: Ok. If that is the case, let’s ask mom to buy a few more birds for birdie.

Brother: Sometimes when you’re grounded, mom still allowed you to invite a few friends to the house but you were still complaining. Why?

Girl: I wanted to go to the mall. I wanted to go to the cinema. It feels so depressed to be stuck at home even when you have a company.

Brother: That is what I am trying to say, honey. Even if you build a house from gold for birdie, he still feels lonely. He needs friends. He needs to go flying around just like when you feel like going to the mall to shop or for a movie with your friends. You are making him suffocating. Look at those birds on that tree. Aren’t they looks so happy? Are you so mean to take that away from Birdie? Don’t you love him?

Girl: I love him so much. He was the only thing that I have when mom and dad are busy working and you are busy studying. But I don’t want to make him suffer but….

Brother: It may breaks your heart to see birdie happy with his friend and never comes back to you once you free him but I think it’s more painful to see that he is suffering with you.

Girl: I guess you are right.

Brother: Letting go has never been easy and holding on can be as difficult. Yet strengths are measured not by holding on but by letting go.

Girl: Can we just go home and play with birdie for the last time?

Brother: It’s the love that makes you wanna let go him, honey. You love him so much that you don’t want to see him suffer because you know that you don’t have enough ability to make him happy. You should be proud of yourself, honey.

Later, it’s time to set birdie free…

Girl: I don’t know whether you can understand me, Birdie. I don’t know whether you love me. I don’t know whether you know how much I love you. But I really hope you can feel it. I am so sorry that I make you suffer. I am so sorry that I make you sad by locking you up in the cage. I am so sorry for being too selfish. I hope you will find your happiness out there. I wish you are going to be happy flying around in the blue sky. If you need anything, you know you can just come back here and search for me. Just take a good care of your very own self, ok. Don’t get struck by the lightning or get hit by an aeroplane. Fly save, birdie. You are now a free man~

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Of defining love

One of my friends put a link of a very sweet, meaningful and touching advertisement called Beautifully Imperfect in his yahoo messenger’s status last night. The advertisement who had been directed by Yasmin Ahmad, a well known Malaysian director, for Singapore is about a wife who looks at relationships from a different light of perception through the eulogy of a woman who’s recently lost her husband.

I think I can relate to her when she said that David was a heavy snorer but she felt relieved because she knew hearing the snores mean David was still alive. My dad snores a lot and so loud that sometimes I can still hear his snores from the living room while watching television. Still remember I did write about how I was afraid to sleep just because I was afraid I will die while sleeping? And I did read somewhere about how dangerous snoring is that the breathing can suddenly stop and cause death. Thus, every time when my dad stops snoring, the idea of the old man died while he was sleeping haunted me and I know I am being ridiculously absurd.

As for the advertisement, I second her when she said the little imperfections are the one that make them perfect. Imperfection comes naturally with human being as not a single body in this world is perfect. Due to disillusionment among far too many individuals who create love stories and movies, almost every one in the world dreams of a perfect partner and I am of no exception. Perhaps the first step in breaking the dream is by tampering the whole idea of a true love as most of the people out there are obviously oblivious to the reason to love. Their preference for money, looks and etc continue to prove that sometimes they are nothing more than individuals typically found in the dark back alleys with scant ersatz clothing soliciting for clients of dubious taste.

Here are some quotes that I find interesting when a group of professional people posed a question, ” What does love mean?” to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds ;

  • “When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.”
  • “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.”
  • “Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.”
  • “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”
  • “Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.”
  • “Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.”
  • “Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.”
  • Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.”
  • “Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.”
  • “You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”

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don’t tell anyone

I was at the airport queuing the long line to check-in.

and suddenly one of my classmate came out from nowhere asking me how I’m going home from jakarta’s airport later.

He said, his flight which was supposed to be yesterday was postponed to today, so he got nobody to go back with.

When, he told me his yesterday flight was cancelled, my heart started to pump rapidly.

Suddenly I remembered someone which was supposed to go back yesterday too.

And the rest is history….

It reminds me one of the song by Jonas brothers…

I wrote this lyric for you
All by myself
What makes you think I need you
Or anybody else
But when you see me walking
Just staring at my feet
Cause I’m not all about you
I’m already complete

Hope this doesn’t make you cry
But I don’t wanna make you mine
I told you for the millionth time
That I don’t need you in my life

But you can see through me (yea)
How you get to me
You know I’m just a fraud
I’m just afraid
I feel the same
But don’t tell anyone
Don’t tell anyone

I wake up thinking of you
And that wears me out
I try hard not to call you
But I can’t do without
Hearing your voice tells me
That I am on your mind
It wouldn’t work to rush this
I’ll come around in time

I hope that you can understand
Right now I don’t know where I stand
I’d rather hide behind these walls
Pretending I don’t care at all

But you can see through me (yea)
How you get to me
You know I’m just a fraud
I’m just afraid

I feel the same
But don’t tell anyone
Don’t tell anyone

Life keeps going on
The world keep spinning round
Can’t we stop going in circles
Am I afraid of what they’ll say
Or too confused to see
You and me

But you can see through me (yea)
How you get to me
You know I’m just a fraud (I’m just afraid)
I’m just afraid I feel the same
But don’t tell anyone
Don’t tell anyone

But you can see through me (you can see through me)
How you get to me (how you get to me)
You know I’m just a fraud
I’m just afraid I feel the same
But don’t tell anyone
Don’t tell anyone

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love stories…~*

Hardest thing is learning to let go…

It had been raining for more than a week, so much rain it made everyday seemed so restless and gloomy. She called and said she was coming up. It was the third time she came up to see me that week. I carried her excuse of why she came all the way here and went to meet her at the nearby 7-11. She was standing there alone, carrying her red umbrella. Her friend had dropped her off. It was raining and she was shivering. She looked weak and fragile in the harsh rain, wearing not enough to keep her warm. I walked up to her and said, “You shouldn’t come see me anymore,” and stuff like how we shouldn’t be together.

She said, “I miss you.”

I told her coldly, “Lets go, I’ll take you home.”

She did not open up her umbrella, I knew she wanted to share mine.

I said, “Open up your umbrella, let’s go.”

Unwillingly, She opened up her umbrella and walked with me to the car. She said she hadn’t eat lunch or dinner and asked if we could stop at some place to eat.

Right away I answered with a stoned heart, “No!”

Disappointed, she asked me to take her to the train station, she said she would take the train back home.

Maybe it was the rain, all the trains were full of people with umbrellas and suit cases who were eager to get home, not caring about who just passed by. We waited and waited, she looked at me innocently. Being together for so long, of course I knew what she meant. I understand how she must feel when she came all this way here in this kind of weather and I treat her like this. With her soft eyes staring at me, I felt guilt and wanted to let her stay for the night.

But reality struck again, I said to her coldly, “Let’s go try the other train station.”

We were living in the same apartment building, on the same floor. Back then there were four of us, and we got along well. We would always eat dinner together, watch movies, and sometimes go camping. We were more like a family, but I didn’t know I would end up falling in love with the only girl of the four. Maybe it was during the last year of college, having living together for two years, we developed deep feelings for each other. After she graduated she went back home, and I stayed for one more year to finish school. During that year I was only able to take the train down to see her on holidays, but never for long. That was how we kept the treasured relationship.

We were walking along the side of the road. She was in front of me and I was right behind her. Her umbrella had a broken spoke. She looked liked a wounded soldier, carrying her rusted rifle walking weakly. Many times, she was too into thinking or whatever she was doing, drifting off the road, she almost got hit by the cars passing by. I wanted to just take her in my arms, but with the love I had for her and the constant pain in my stomach, I did nothing. On the way, we passed by the park where we use to always go.

She begged and said, “Lets go in the park just for a little while please, I promise I’ll go home right after this.”

With her begging, my cold heart softened, but I still put up an annoyed face and walked in the park. I was just sitting on the benches looking like I wanted to leave. She went to the big oak tree and she was looking for something. I knew she was looking for what we wrote on that tree with a silver ink pen half a year ago. If I remember it right, it said, “Chris and Susan was here, Chris had tea and Susan was drinking hot chocolate. Hope Chris and Susan would always remember this day, always loving each other, forever.” She was looking around for quite a while, then she came back slowly with tears on her face.

She said, “Chris, I can’t find it, it’s not there anymore.”

I felt so sour inside, there was a stream of pain, flowing into my heart, the kind of pain I’ve never felt before. But all I could do was pretend I didn’t care, and said, “Can we go now?”

I opened up my big black umbrella, she was just standing there, didn’t want to leave yet, hoping there was still a chance. She said, “You made up the story of you and that other girl didn’t you? I know I frustrate you sometimes, but I’ll change, can’t we start over?”

I didn’t say a word, just looked down and shook my head. After that we just kept on walking towards the train station, didn’t say a word to each other.

Four years ago, the doctor said I had cancer, but it was found early, so it was still curable. Thinking that it was okay, I started living my normal life again, and even forgot about the cancer. I didn’t think about the cancer again and did not go back to the doctor. Until a month ago, my stomach was hurting for two weeks straight, and the nightmare awakened me again. First I thought the pain would go away, but it grew stronger until to the point that I couldn’t take it anymore. I went back to the doctor and took an X-ray.

The picture came out and there was a big black spot, which proved the truth that I did not want to believe. I was at the most glittering part of my life, but it was coming to an end. I wanted myself and the people around me to go through the least pain possible, so I decided to commit suicide. But I couldn’t let people find out about my intentions, especially Susan, the person I love the most in this whole world, who still doesn’t know about the truth. Susan was still young, she shouldn’t have to go through this. So I made up some stories and lied to her. It was a cruel thing to do, and it broke her heart, but it was the fastest way to wipe out three years’s feelings. I didn’t have much time, because I would soon start to loose hair and she would find out eventually. But now I’m close to succeeding, this drama would soon be over. Thirty minutes more this would all come to an end, that was what I had in mind.

The train had stopped running so I called a taxi for her. We were just standing there, waiting, loosing our last moments in silence.

I saw the taxi from far away, I held my tears and said to her, “Take care of yourself, take good care of yourself.”

She didn’t talk, just nodded lightly, and then opened up her misshaped umbrella and stepped out on the street. Out in the rain, we became two single life forms, one red, one black, so far away from each other. I opened the door for her and she got in, then I close the door that would separate me from her forever. I stood by the car, staring in the dark window, at the first love in my life, also the last one, walking out of my life. The car started, driving into the street. Finally I couldn’t hold my sorrow and the twist in my heart any longer, waving my arms rapidly chasing after the taxi, because I knew, this would be the last time I see her. I wanted to tell her I still love her, I wanted to tell her to stay, I wanted to tell her so much, but the taxi had already turned in the corner. Warm tears kept falling down my face, blended with the cold rain drops. I was cold, not because of the rain. I was cold inside.

She left, and I didn’t get anymore of her phone calls even until today. I know she didn’t see my tears, because they were washed away by the rain. I left without regrets. But I’m not Chris, I’m that girl Susan, using my memory, and his diary I found after one year since he left, writing down these last words.

Taken from: Someone else’s journal..but I read this before somewhere..email maybe?

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