I already promise to myself, I dun wanna hurt anyone especially all those people that are important in my, the one that have connection with me. I dun wanna hurt my family and friends… I love them so much. I just have plenty of family members and trusted friends. I dun wanna hurt them. But in order not to hurt them, I have to hurt myself. So, who’s gonna take care of me? Nobody… I feel so sad. I put them before my own self but still they dun realize when I’m hurt because of them. I am a trauma survivor, and we trauma survivors often blame ourselves for the pain and abuse inflicted upon us..
In my attempt to protect my self-image as one who would never hurt others intentionally, I reminded myself that we all hurt people inadvertently sometimes, and, pleased with my acceptance of the truth I was content to believe that my behavior, while hurtful at times, was never abusive because it wasn’t intentional. And as long as it wasn’t intentional, there was little I needed to do except try to avoid making the same mistake again. But that acceptance was short-lived, and whatever discomfort I felt at the time paled in comparison to the shock I felt upon my later discovery—that at times I had hurt people intentionally.
I wanted to run, I wanted to hide, I wanted to hurt myself—anything to escape.