Separated, floating as if I was in the moon is what I have been experiencing lately. For once in my life time, I don’t know what is happening to me, my body, my brain and my surrounding. Everything seems to be so disconnected.
I wondered when was the last time I feel worried or happy or scared?
The answer scares me because I could not remember it at all.
I feel so numb as if I have been dumped into an ice water. None of my nerve is sending any impulse to my brain. I feel nothing except the disquiet of no emotion, the disturbance of knowing I should feel something. I was having bunch of exams for the last few weeks, I should feel nervous, afraid, and worried but unfortunately I was not, at least not like the way I used to feel. For example, for my tropical medicine examination, I just did the past year question which I disgust before this because for me what kind of doctor will I become if I just memorize someone’s answer? No offence, it’s just me. But for this block, I just did the past year because it’s too late to study and I don’t have any mood to study. I just don’t care if the question was going to come out differently. I just want to get it done and I hate myself for these but I have been forcing myself yet I still failed to bring back all the emotion and I don’t know what to do.
I am not syazwan who play PS the night before exam but still pass the paper with flying colours. Yes, I am not genius. I need to study and in order to study I need my emotion back. I am not a robot even though in certain aspect of my life yes I am emotionless but not when it comes to studying. I need to feel the need to study and I need my emotion to do that for me.
The detachment goes even deeper from day to day. Usually when I cry things get better after that but not anymore. I have been crying a lot lately but my drive had not returned. Remember I said that I don’t cry in public but as long as I remember this month I had cried twice in a bus full of people without any concrete reason.
The good things in life were missing in me.
Every laugh is a fake.
Every smile is forced.
I have reached my limit.
OK, it is depression. Or another way of saying it, I’ve got the blues. Yeah, as much as I don’t want to admit it, you don’t have to become a medical student or a doctor to actually diagnose that. I keep on denying this fact. I tried to force myself to be strong but what happen on last Sunday morning had caused me to give up pretending.
After all I always know I am mental.
Hopefully Malaysia is the medicine to what I’ve been suffering.
p/s: The title seems to be little bit out of topic. But if you know me well inside and outside, you will probably understand and could make the correlation. And yeah, it’s eating me and yeah again, I am not gonna admit it, at least here where the post is not password protected.