* Skip this. It’s a non-informative useless post.
This was the time when I wished I was a kindergarten teacher whom the highest education was mere high school. Getting up at four o’clock every morning if I was lucky enough to have the chance to sleep and forcing my brain to understand all those convoluted sentences and explanations were sheer purgatory. The tedium was not something that I grew used to; every day seemed more impossibly monotonous than the last. I had no more ‘hard-working-ness’ than people had given me credit for but so much at stake, I couldn’t catch a break.
That was one whole thing. On the other hand, I also grew tired to some parts of me. I wished I couldn’t bother myself with any of it but I wanted it so much that it hurts. Of all the things that I could want in this world, I wished for this particular ‘thing’. Not that it was the right thing for me, either though but I let the hope swelled and raked my body. It was the first time I wanted something in my life so badly and the time spent without pain and temptation as well as effort made it all more forceful now. It was bad enough that I was afraid to open my mouth so that I could know the truth. I wanted to ask but I was afraid of more than the words that will come out, afraid that if I let myself too open, I won’t have any sanity left to spare. That was exactly the kind of mistake that I had to avoid or force myself to avoid.
Other thing that kept bothering me was the future. I feared the future the most as it’s considerably uncertain. I couldn’t see what will happen to me for the next 5 years. Can I still breathe in this polluted air of the earth or I am all gone sleeping alone deep down inside the earth? I knew in this most challenging era, I didn’t have any chance to panic. I had to concentrate on being upbeat but all the thoughts of what I’m gonna be, who I’m gonna marry to and when I’m gonna die were not a conducive atmosphere to make me feel relaxed. My own curiosity was entirely unsatisfied; answering my thoughts had only given rise to a lot more of other questions.
I was sick of living to others’ expectations too. I hate when I cared too much to what people were saying or thinking about me. Why should I bother? But the truth is, I did force myself to change according to their definition. People may say, just be who you are and do what ever you wanna do but can you? We are connected to other people. Every single movement and decision we made affects the people around us. I was afraid to know how much pain I can inflict others if I was selfish enough to ignore other’s will. The agony and the fury of my jealousy to libertarian and the selfish was every whit as powerful as it had been in the past.
I was really hating all the ironies of what has transpired in my life in the past few years but life is a life. Nobody enjoys a life more than the insane. It’s just another day to get through with the pain; another day where I will try to distract myself by faking some jokes and laughs with friends here to fill in the holes.
OK. Enough of typing my thoughts. Alas, not that anybody could understand any of it. Seriously, I had no idea what this post was all about. I didn’t know what my point was or where this was going. I couldn’t settle on a rational thought pattern.
– room 5, 3:52 am –